From thomas Sun, 24 Sep 95 21:25:01 GMT Received: from gate.dungeon.com by sati.dungeon.com (AmigaSMTP 0.60 Mar 16, 1994) with SMTP; Sun, 24 Sep 95 21:24:58 GMT Received: from holodeck.cc.vt.edu (holodeck.cc.vt.edu [128.173.16.28]) by gate.dungeon.com (8.6.9/8.6.9) with ESMTP id AAA13956 for ; Wed, 20 Sep 1995 00:33:19 +0100 Received: from solaris.cc.vt.edu by holodeck.cc.vt.edu with ESMTP (8.6.12/16.2) id TAA22992; Tue, 19 Sep 1995 19:32:20 -0400 Received: from solaris (localhost.vt.edu [127.0.0.1]) by solaris.cc.vt.edu (8.7.Beta.10/8.7.Beta.10) with SMTP id TAA23736; Tue, 19 Sep 1995 19:32:19 -0400 (EDT) Date: Tue, 19 Sep 1995 19:32:19 -0400 (EDT) Message-Id: <145684@cup.portal.com> Errors-To: jarrell@solaris.cc.vt.edu Reply-To: babylon5@solaris.cc.vt.edu Originator: babylon5@solaris.cc.vt.edu Sender: babylon5@solaris.cc.vt.edu Precedence: bulk From: TheMadDoctor@cup.portal.com (Shane Derek Killian) To: Multiple recipients of list Subject: The Greater Enemy X-Listprocessor-Version: 6.0c -- ListProcessor by Anastasios Kotsikonas X-Comment: Echo of rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5 I've gotten a *TON* of requests to repost these. So, here goes... [snip, snip] Well, someone here once said something like, "Why doesn't someone write a parody of both Star Trek and Babylon 5 that doesn't favor one show over the other?" Well, I thought I'd give it a shot. The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 1 Captain's Log: Stardate 44124.8 and a half. The Enterprise has been assigned to monitor yet another subspace anomaly. Since the Federation apparently can't think of any more constructive use for their flagship, there is absolutely nothing else to do--no tests by God-like beings, no empty threats by little-heard-of races, and even no holodeck, at least until Mr. LaForge completes his repairs. Quite personally, I'm bored. Bored bored bored bored bored. Bored bored bored BORED BORED BORED BORED...BORED!!!!!!! Picard slammed his fist into the log entry padd, shutting it off. "You need to relax, Captain," Counselor Troi advised. "You're experiencing an excessive amount of tension. My empathic abilities tell me you're in a state of boredom." "Thank you so much for your specialized insight, Deanna. I ONLY SAID I WAS BORED A DOZEN TIMES!!!!!!!!!" "Fourteen, sir," Data corrected. Picard felt something at his right shoulder. He turned to find his first officer slumped in his chair, snoozing on Picard's shoulder. The nameless ensign at the engineering station said his one and only line: "Sir, we are approaching the anomaly." Picard sat upright. "What is it, Mr. Data?" Data took a reading from his console. "According to scans, it appears to be an extradimensional gateway." "Looks to me," said Deanna, "like it's just an orange whirly thing in space." Picard rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. He felt Riker nuzzle closer to his neck. "Commander Riker?" said Picard. "No, please, call me Will," Riker mumbled, "and I'll call you 'my little pootie-cake'." "COMMANDER RIKER!!!" Riker awoke and looked around. "Hunh? Whaa? Did I miss shomething?" "A couple of things: First, you're a weenie; second, consult with Mr. Data concerning the subspace anomaly." Riker yawned. "What, you mean that orange whirly thing?" Suddenly, the lights dimmed and the floor began to shake profusely. "What?" Riker said. "Are we under attack? I didn't think we were budgeted for any space battles this week." "We are being pulled into the anomaly," said Data. "Oh," said Riker. "That's different, then." When the lights and systems came back on, the only thing on the viewscreen were a bunch of amber swirls. "Well," said Picard, "for an orange whirly thing in space, it seems quite tame." Picard had spoken too soon. "Sir," said Data, "we are starting to receive reports of widespread system malfunctions, apparently the result of entering the anomaly. Suggest we find a way out as soon as possible." "Make it so, Mr. Data." Twelve incredibly boring minutes edited down to three seconds later, Data announced that he had found a possible exit. He had located a transmitter that was acting as a beacon to indicate the presence of something called a "jump gate," and Picard ordered navigation to locate it. "We are approaching the jump gate, sir." "On screen." The viewscreen showed an artifically constructed device, which consisted of a large arrow with flashing lights that read, "THIS WAY OUT." "Looks like it was earth-made," observed Picard. "Apparently someone else has become caught up in this anomaly and left this beacon behind for the benefit of any other trapped ships looking for the exit. Mark a course and engage." As they reached the jump gate, something new appeared on the screen. "Hey!" said Riker. "A *blue* whirly thing! Have we ever encountered those?" "Somehow," said Picard, "I don't think the episode is quite over yet." Ivanova adjusted her uniform and proceeded to C&C. She was having one of *those* days. Of course, for Ivanova, every day was one of *those* days. When she entered, she announced she was assuming command in her usual way: by jumping on the first technician she ran into for no reason, and then jumping on everyone else for not having the courage to stop her jumping on him for no reason. Then she plopped down into the command chair and fell asleep. An hour later, the pilot of a Narn vessel scheduled for departure was exiting the docking bays. After being released by the grapple, he spun his ship to match Babylon 5's rotation, slowly burned his thrusters to accelerate towards the exit, and mentally cursed the writers for making everything so damned difficult. As per protocol, he contacted Babylon Control. "Babylon Control, this is the Narn vessel HRAAAAAAAAGH. Permission to proceed to jump gate." No response. "Babylon Control, this is the HRAAAAAAAAGH. Permission to proceed to jump gate." Still no response. "WAKE UP, BABYLON CONTROL!!!!!!!" "Huh? What? Oh, yeah. Proceed to jump gate." He watched as the jumpgate was activated--for *exiting*, not entering. "Babylon Control..." he started. "Oops!" Babylon Control responded. "Had the silly thing in reverse. Stand by, HRAAAAAAAGH." "That's 'HRAAAAAAAAGH.'" "Whatever." He sighed, and looked towards the jumpgate. Something was coming out. It was huge, silver, and just slightly silly-looking. And it was on a collision course. "Babylon Control," he signalled, "never mind. I'll just hitch a ride with the Vorlons. "Many of the ships major systems are nonresponsive," Data reported. Riker sighed. "Run a level one diag-whatsit." He hated big words. "Picard to LaForge." No answer. He tried again. "Picard to LaForge." Still no answer. "Mr. Worf, please retrieve Mr. LaForge from holodeck 3." "Yes, sir." Worf exited the bridge. Picard looked at the screen. None of the ships were recognizable. "Well, Number One, at least we appear to be in normal space, but from the looks of things we're a long way from home." "According to star patterns," said Data, "we're only 26 light-years from Earth." "Oh no," said Riker. "This isn't another one of those parallel-reality things, again?" Is it *really* one of those parallel-reality things? Has the writer taken the cheap way out? What's with the two Executive Officers? Why can't they stay awake? What's wrong with the Enterprise's systems? Will they find their way back home in due time, or will this be an annoying two-parter? Find out (if you care) in the next installment of...The Greater Enemy. The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 2 Captain's Log: Stardate 44124.8 and three quarters. The Enterprise has passed through a subspace anomaly into yet another parallel reality. After making several attempts to contact the humans in charge of the space station, I finally got to talk to the person in charge. "This is Captain John Sheridan of the Earth Alliance Station Babylon 5. Your ship is of an unknown configuration. Please identify yourself." "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. We have entered your universe via a subspace anomaly. Many of our systems are now nonfunctional. Request assistance." "Shuttlecrafts will be dispatched to bring your command crew onboard B5. Unfortunately, we can't spare crew or equipment because our government is run by short-sighted cheapskates." "Really? Here, we have replicators. Whenever we need something, we press a button and we get it. Tell me, what year is it?" Ivanova groaned. *Never* ask Sheridan that question. "The year," Sheridan chirped, "is 2259. The name of the place...is Babylon 5!" Ivanova could never figure out why he loved doing that. Maybe it was genetic. Maybe it was a good thing he and Anna never had kids. Just before the shuttles were ready to launch, two jump points formed nearby. Out of one came a Centauri battlecruiser, and out of the other came a Narn battlecruiser. "Gee," said Sheridan, "think we should have warned them we were in the middle of a war zone?" Before firing on each other, the ships turned on the Enterprise and demanded to know whose side they were on. "We are on the side of peace." The Centauri and Narn captains shouted in unison, "COMMON ENEMY!!!!!" and proceeded to fire. "Launch Zeta squadron," said Ivanova. "Communicate to the vessels that we are prepared to defend the ship." On the bridge of the Enterprise, Picard was addressing his crew. "I do not like having to do this any more than the rest of you do. But the present situation demands it." "Sir," said Riker, "you can't mean..." "I'm afraid so, Number One. I had hoped to avoid it, but I'm afraid I have no other choice than to...hold a meeting." They all groaned and stuffed themselves into the conference room like sardines. Naturally, the mighty warships were reluctant to fire on the tiny Starfuries, as that would provoke a war with Earth. However, Zeta Squad could only barely hold them off. "What's the matter?" said Sheridan. "Why doesn't the Enterprise defend itself?" "Maybe their weapons systems are down," suggested Ivanova. "Maybe they're low on power," said Garibaldi. "Whatever it is," said Sheridan, "it must be a huge problem." "But if we open fire, it'll be an act of war!" They were all crammed into the conference room, except for Geordi. Worf, for some reason, was unable to retrieve him from the holodeck. Everyone was actually relieved. It left more room to breathe. "Do you know what a war might mean?" said Riker. "I might mess up my hair!" "Number One?" said Picard. "Yes, sir?" "You're a total weenie; you know that?" "Yes, sir." Riker was smiling. "Thank you, sir." "I am sensing great hosility from both ships," contributed Deanna uselessly. Everyone ignored her. "Sir," said Worf, who was folded like a pretzel in a chair way too small for him, "Don't you think we should do anything even as remotely useful as firing back?" "Maybe it's all a misunderstanding," said Dr. Crusher. "Why don't we just invite them all over for tea and get to know them better?" Fortunately for their sake, Sheridan had managed to get Londo and G'Kar to cancel the attacks and work towards a solution. Unfortunately, it meant holding a meeting of their own. "I want to know what provoked the attack," yelled Sherian. "Ah, I have spoken with the captain of the Centauri vessel," said Londo. "He admits he acted out of haste. He thought the Narn vessel was teaming up with the other ship in a joint attack. He offers his apologies. And since all of his gunner's shots missed, there's no harm done." "One of those shots hit *our* ship, Mollari," said G'Kar. "Well, he's a young gunner; not very experienced. Mishaps happen. Besides, your ship flew in the way." "All right," said Sheridan. "G'Kar, are you prepared to offer the same apology as Londo?" "Absolutely not. I have received word that they maliciously prevented one of our ships from entering the jumpgate on schedule. His perishable cargo was lost. My government will want a response. I want to know everything about that ship and who's on it." "Well, we're willing to cooperate with your ambassador's request," said Picard. "Prepare to receive information on my crew and my ship's mission. Good thing the computers and the communication equipment are still functional. They're about the only things which are. We even had to switch over to an archaic frequency to talk with you." "Understood. We are ready to receive your transmission." Data set his console to transmit the information, then he went to talk with Picard. "I believe I know what has happened to our systems. It appears that only a certain class of technology--the 'magic', or 'technobabble' technology--is affected." "What does this mean?" "From looking at their technology, and the way their ships move in space, I would suggest that we are constrained to operating within the laws of physics." "No! You can't mean that! I won't accept that as an answer, Mr. Data! I want solutions! Consult with Mr. LaForge and find an answer!" "It will mean pulling Geordi away from the holodeck repairs, sir." "Do it!" "Yes, sir." Unbeknownst to any of the major characters, a ship was travelling towards them through hyperspace. Programmed to seek out all of a certain kind and assimilate them into their own, the cube-shaped ship moved silently towards its destination, homing in on an opportunity too good to pass up. Geordi, who was merely pretending to repair the holodeck but was really running his favorite program, "Jungle Girls Of The Planet Nymphomania IV," was understandably miffed at being interrupted. Data's timing was always terrible. Nevertheless, he helped Data research the problem. "Yep, that's definitely what it looks like, Data." "I think we need to do a few more tests before declaring that to be an absolute conclusion." "Agreed. Okay, computer: realign the magnetic coils to the subspace pulse inverter relay." The computer did so. Nothing happened. "Hmmm..." Geordi thought. "How about reconfiguring the emitter relay to the upper E-band frequencies?" They tried it. Still nothing. "All right. One more test. Computer: Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow." Data shot him a look. "Hey," said Geordi, "it always worked for Dr. Who!" Since the Enterprise crew is unable to babble their way out of this one, what help can Babylon 5 give them? Towing service? Will G'Kar back down, or will he become a signifigant problem? Who is the mysterious race tracking them down, and why? Is Picard ever going to have the opportunity to sit down with a nice cup of replicated Earl Grey again? Find out in the next installment of...The Greater Enemy. The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 3 with special guest star JOE PISCOPO as 'Q' Captain's Log. Stardate: 2259, the year the great war came upon us all. Ever since the Enterprise has arrived in our universe, they have been unable to use much of their technology. And even as we struggle to help them find their way back, we face an incident between them and the Narn regime. Two questions are presently bothering me: Will we be able to get them back without exacerbating the present situation, and why am *I* the one doing the Captain's Log voiceover? Picard, Riker, and Data were escorted off the shuttle in Babylon 5's docking bay, and Picard marvelled at what he saw. It was a noisy, confusing bustle of humans and aliens both boarding and disembarking from their transports; nothing like home. Sheridan and Ivanova met them there. "Captain Picard. Welcome to Babylon 5." "I must say, Captain, this is quite an impressive station, but I wasn't quite prepared for the strangeness of it all. Your aliens are...pretty alien." "Well, I think I'd say that yours are atrange for us as well. We don't have any sentient androids, for example." "But how do you tell if they're sentient? In my universe, all sentients are humans with bumpy foreheads or noses." "Well, whenever we encounter a new race, we go up to them and ask, 'Are you sentient?' and unless they say no, we give them the benefit of the doubt." As they walked to council chambers, Sheridan shook his head. What a strange question to ask. "My government wants an explanation, Picard!" G'Kar shouted. "And I have given it to you. Our ship was caught up in an anomaly. We are prepared to replace the cargo lost to your pilot; with a sample of the perishable in question, our replicators can produce as much of it as you want...Once we get it working." "Empty talk, Picard. My government will want to see some results before any deal is made." Picard started to retort, but Riker came up beside him. "If you will allow me, sir." "Please," said Picard, eager to get out of the hot seat. Riker tightened his tunic, stuck out his chest, and swaggered over to G'Kar to speak to him eye-to-eye. "Now listen here, you bald, spotted, pathetic excuse for a warrior...I've had just about enough of your hard talk and your threats. I warn you, back down *now*, before I have to get tough!" G'Kar held his ground. "I do not have to take this tone of voice from you!" "Well, that's just because you don't know who you're dealing with!" "Oh?" said G'Kar, feigning interest. "And just who might that be?" "Commander William T. Riker of Starfleet!" He said it with enough conviction to gain G'Kar's curiosity, so he turned to Na'Toth, who had been given the crew roster, and she selected Riker's information packet. G'Kar and Na'Toth read it together, then they both started laughing uncontrollably. Riker was furious. "May I ask what is so funny?" "Well....It says here....Right here it says...." G'Kar was laughing too hard to read it out, but Na'Toth managed to get her laughter under control. "'Commander William T. Riker. First Officer on board Starship U.S.S. Enterprise. Remarks: What a weenie!'" They both collapsed to the floor, laughing. Riker straightened his tunic and crossed back over to Picars. "Sir, I... I..." "Number One..." "Sir, they...THEY LAUGHED AT ME!!!!!" Riker started sobbing on Picard's shoulder. "Oh, Number One, you *are* a weenie!" "Now now, Jean-Luc, be easy on him. After all, he's still evolving." Everyone in the room turned to look at the man who said that remark. "Dammit, Q!" screamed Picard. "I should have known this was *your* doing." "Au contrair, mon Capitan," said Q innocently. "I merely stopped by when I heard. I thought it must be absolutely hilarious watching you in a universe where your precious technology doesn't work. And I was right!" Picard released seven years of pent-up anger by grabbing Q by the lapels and throwing him up against a wall. "Q! You misanthrope! I have had just about enough of you! Now, go back where you came from and go tear the wings off an Andorian fly or something!" The room was silent. Sheridan moved to intervene. "You shouldn't grab me by the lapels, Johnny," Q said. "My mother grabbed me by the lapels once...*Once*." "All right," said Sheridan. "That's quite enough. Now, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but your presence is uninvited and disruptive, and I suggest you leave at once." "All right. I don't stay where I'm not wanted. I'll be going now." He smiled, and gave a good-bye salute. Nothing happened. "What's the matter?" said Sheridan. "I...I changed my mind. I'd rather stay." Picard was smiling. "It seems that Q is as powerless in this universe as we are." "Commander Ivanova, escort this gentleman to holding." Ivanova didn't respond. "Commander?" Sheridan walked over to where she was. She was standing at attention by the door, looking very alert...except for the fact that her eyes were closed. "COMMANDER!" "Huh? What? I'll take the three-piece dining set, and the rest on a gift certificate." Sheridan groaned. It was going to be a long day. Sheridan contacted Garibaldi to escort Q to a holding cell, then he and Picard took a walk through the station to discuss the situation. "So, you're saying that, in your universe, he's this super-powerful being?" "Oh yes, but it seems his powers don't work in this universe. Your universe has a set of physical laws that don't seem to be as... flexible as ours." A figure came up behind them, and Sheridan heard a familiar (and dreaded) voice say, "Captain Sheridan, may I speak to you?" "Mr. Bester. To what do I owe the honor of your presence?" "Well, sir, I was stopping through en route to a Psi-Corps convention, when I detected someone using telepathy. I believe this person is an unregistered telepath. He is the one you just took to a holding cell." "You mean, this Q guy?" "Apparently," said Picard, "he's not *completely* powerless." Sheridan had just linked with Garibaldi to give him Bester's information as Garibaldi was locking up Q. "All right," Garibaldi spoke into his link. "I'll meet with him in my office immediately." He turned to Q. "As for you, you stay put." "You shouldn't lock me in a holding cell, Mikey," said Q. "My great-grandfather locked me in a holding cell once...*Once*." "Yeah, yeah." "There's more going on here than you know about, Mr. Gari-BALDY," said Q. "You're not prepared for it. Let me out, and I might condescend to help you." "Sure, Q. Tell me another one." Garibaldi left to talk with Bester. The ship had just reached the section of hyperspace which corresponded with Babylon 5's real-space coordinates. It was charged up; it was ready to strike. But the time was not yet right. Just a little longer. That's all right. They could wait. They were patient. Who are the crewmembers of this mysterious ship? Are they the enemy referred to in the title? With the main baddies from both universes on board, how much trouble are our heroes in for? Is all this going somewhere, or is the writer just making it up as he goes along? Find out in the next installment of...The Greater Enemy. The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 4 Captain's Log. Stardate: 90210. Counselor Troi has managed to get Ambassador G'Kar to drop his complaint against us, after a few private negotiating sessions, although she has neglected to inform me as to the content of those negotiations. Q has shown up, but is apparently without many of his powers, except telepathy. Apparently, use of psionic powers is restricted in this universe, and a man named Bester has been sent to investigate Q. "Don't I know you?" "We've never met, Mr. Q. My name is Bester. Are you aware that unregistered telepaths are considered criminals?" "Are you aware that wearing your hair like that is considered unfashionable?" Bester narrowed his eyes. "I would not be so cocky if I were you." Something shot into Q's head. "YEAAAAAAAGHHH!!!!!" Bester smiled. He always enjoyed doing that. "You shouldn't mind-blast me, Bester," said Q. "My great aunt mind-blasted me once...*On--YEAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!!!" Bester moved towards him. "Now, maybe you'll be a bit more receptive." Q looked at him closely. "I *do* know you, don't I?" "No, you don't!" "Didn't you used to be Russian?" "Mr. Q, I would adwise you--er, I mean, advise you not to--" "You are him! I knew it! How did you come to be in this universe?" "Well, the pay's better...Look, can we just keep that among ourselves?" "I'm willing to cut a deal." "Zeta Leader to Babylon Control. Ready to drop." "Confirmed, Zeta Leader." Keffer always felt a rush when his Starfury entered hyperspace. If it weren't for that, and the sheer fun of flying, he might get bored of little routine missions like this. He started to locate his exit beacon, when something moved in his way. Awhile back, he had seen a mysterious ship in hyperspace, but it was nothing like this. As a beam shot into his brain from the enormous cube hovering in front of him, he suddenly decided that getting out of bed this morning was a really bad idea. "You can't be serious!" "Deanna," said Picard, "we're in their Universe, we have to abide by their laws." Sheridan, Picard, Troi, and Bester were in Sheridan's office. "But no one told me empathy was illegal here!" Deanna whined. "All unregistered telepaths must be found and restricted," said Bester. "Wait a minute," said Sheridan. "Ms. Troi, how many times have you used this power of yours in our universe?" "Well, none." "Then Bester, how did you detect her?" "I got a tip...from a friend." "But who here would know of her powers?" Deanna and Picard said it at the same time. "Q!" "Regardless," said Bester, "You are an unregistered telepath, and so I have to take you into my custody." "Hold on, Bester. This is still my station, and I have a situation here. I'm willing to hold her until this situation is over, then release her to you...That is, if she's still in this universe." "That sounds fair, Captain." "One moment," said Picard. "What about Q?" "Once he is released to us," said Bester, "he will be in the protection of PsiCorp." Sheridan's link beeped. "Sheridan, go." "Sir," said Ivanova, "Keffer's returned, and he wants to talk to you." "On my way." Keffer was not himself. He kept saying that we had lost our way, that the saviors were coming, to make us a part of the Greater Collective. Sheridan called Franklin to send a medical team. "What exactly is the problem?" "See for yourself." Sheridan brought Keffer to the vidscreen. "They're coming! The saviors are coming! Repent, and be part of the Greater Collective!" Franklin sent a team double-speed. When they took him off to med-lab, he was still going on. "Be prepared for the Coming! You must all repent! Wear tasteless clothes! Speak in cliches! All of you..." Sheridan left the room wanting some answers. *Something* had happened to him out there...and Sheridan wanted to know what. The cube ship surged with energy. It was almost time. As a precaution, Sheridan had let Picard's crew (except Deanna, whom he had stuck in the cell next to Q) back to their ship and launched Delta Squadron. He was speaking with Picard over the com screen, when they were interrupted by a message. "Human confluences...Your day of independence is over. From this time forward, you will service...us." "What corny dialogue!" Ivanova whispered to Sheridan. They watched as a cube-shaped ship materialized in the middle of them. "What is that diagram on the side?" Ivanova asked. "Well," said Sheridan, "I may be drinking too many sunspots, but it looks like a peacock to me." "That's what I thought. And that on the top...looks kind of like an eye." They reestablished contact with the Enterprise and Zeta Squadron. Zeta Two responded first. "On this side, there's just a circle with the first three letters of the alphabet inside." "In English?" "Roger, Babylon Control." "Zeta Nine, you're on the opposite side...What's over there?" "Sorry, Babylon Control...I can't see a thing for all these spotlights." "Captain Sheridan..." "Yes, Captain Picard?" "We know who this enemy is. We have dealt with them in the past. Recently they took control of one of our ships. And believe me when I tell you that we are all in very real danger." Who is this enemy, and what danger do they pose? What is the deal Q made with Bester? Will it be another week and a half before Part 5? Find out in the next installment of...The Greater Enemy. The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 5 with special guest star PAUL ZAHADOOM as 'Beakman' Captain's Log. Stardate: OICU812. The enemy which has constantly threatened our universe has made their way into this one. Unfortunately, I cannot convince their Captain that this enemy poses a drastic threat indeed. In fact, he insists on talking with them over a glass of freshly-squeezed orange juice. "You do indeed have a most impressive station, Captain Sheridan," the modified humanoid was saying. "Well, that's very gracious of you to say so. And I must say what a pleasure it is to make first contact with a new race such as yourself, and opening up these talks. I would like to know more about what it would mean to be in one of your...How did you put it?" "Networks." "Networks, yes. I sure do like having these talks, especially over a nice cool glass of O.J." "Sir," Ivanova interrupted, coming into the room. "Now Ivanova, you know how important first contact protocol is. I'm sure you'll learn that delicate talks like these are nothing to interrupt, and blah blah blah yakkety schmakkety." "It's just that the members of this...er, 'race' are disrupting operations all over the station." "Okay. I'll look into it." He and the humanoid left together, still talking. "I do have a number of questions about this place, Captain. For example: Why does the station rotate?" "Well, that's how we achieve gravity." The alien looked at him blankly. "Gravity. You know, what holds us down?" "Why do you need rotation for that?" "Well...in space, there isn't any gravity." The alien stared at him for a minute. "I do not understand. Gravity is everywhere. Haven't you seen 'Star Wars'?" Sheridan gave up. Ivanova happened to run across two of the humanoids, who were touring the station together. Definitely not turning out to be her day. "Ah commander. My colleague and I have been examining your facilities, and have found numerous areas for improvement." Ivanova had to resist the urge to throttle them. Who did they think they were? "Yes?" "Well, specifically, your attire." "What's wrong with it? It's regulation." "Well, your ratings and profitability would be much better served by wearing this." She examined what he handed her. This piece of--she hesitated to call it "clothing"--wasn't even big enough to use as a dust rag. "I'm supposed to wear *this*????" "Now," said the humanoid with a smile, "we can't have someone of your obvious...stature covering up all that loveliness, can we?" They both grinned, and looked her over. The next thing they saw was a close-up of a bulkhead. "Oooh!" said the first one. "Feisty, eh? I think maybe she'd work better in leather!" "Oh, you are a genius!" said the other. "I know." Then, someone walked by who made them laugh hysterically. "And just *what* are you gentlemen laughing at?" Londo asked them. "That hair!" said one. "Get a load of that hair!!!!!" They continued laughing. "Hey! Stop that!!" Londo shouted. They contained themselves enough to listen to him. "I'll have you know that this is the hair of a great man!" They looked at each other. One of them said to Londom "Does he know you;re wearing it?" and they both fell down laughing again. "Mr. LaForge, your report?" "All of our systems came back online after the ship activated its field, as we predicted." "Mr. Worf?" "Ready, sir." "All right then." Picard addressed his entire crew. "As you are aware, our main objective thus far has been returning us to our own universe. Now, we have regained the means to do so, but a far more important matter has placed itself in priority. We must do everything we can to defend this universe against the threat they pose. Soon our friends here will realize the threat they pose, then they will require our help, as we know how to defeat them. Are there any questions?" Riker raised his hand. "Yes, Number One?" "Are we getting scale for this?" The two observers passed by an auditoruim near the Zocolo. The took a look at the show. Three people were on stage; a man with wild, black hair, a young woman, and a man in a rat suit. "So," the girl was saying, "*that*'s what LaGrange points are all about!" "Bada-BING," said the man, "bada-BOOM, bada...BABYLON!!!!" "Next question!" said the girl. An audience member in an Earth FOrce uniform stood up. "Yeah, I'd like to know why, even though the station's rotating, why we don't see the stars rotating in C&C?" All three were silent. Finally, the man said, "You got us." "Next!" said the girl. "You regurgitate 'em, I'll elucidate 'em, let's MAMBO!!!" A woman in the audience stood up. "Yes, I'd like to know about the coriolis effect." "Hey!" the guy in the rat suit jumped in. "There's no cause for *that* kind of language here!" "No, no, Lester," The man said. "She wants to know about the *coriolis* effect." "Oh. That's different, then. Hey, what is that?" "I'm glad you asked, Lester. It's the effect that, on a rotating station like this one, makes objects appear to do weird things...like this." He plucked a hairball off of the rat suit and threw it up and into the audience. "And...Za-Ha-DUM!!!" It curved back to him and he caught it. "Hey!" the rat-man said. "Boomerang lint!" The two continued to watch as the man and the girl explained the coriolis effect and insulted the rat. "Too in-depth. Too egg-head. No one will ever understand it." "You're right," said the other. "Too high an intellectual level." "It'll last a year," they both said together. Sheridan had to field off complaint after complaint. Both Ivanova and Talia had been told their wardrobes had to be...minimized. Dr. Franklin had been told he needed to play alternative music in medlab and play with toy trains. Garibaldi was told he should act more like Bruce Willis. And all of the Earth Force officers were told they were to crush beer cans against their heads. It was even creating an intergalactic incident with the ambassadors. Delenn had to insist to them that that was *not* a barrette. Londo was protesting being called a "buffoon." G'Kar was offended at their suggestion that he use spot remover to "clear that right up." And Kosh...Kosh merely said, "They do not belong here. They must go...*now*." That, and something about wingless bats scuttling at night. Sheridan had just managed to obtain order in the council chambers when all three of the visitors entered. "Ah, Sheridan!" said the leader. "We just thought you'd like to know that we found *just* the thing you'll need to be a leader in *all* the demographic areas!" "Sheridan sighed. "Okay, okay. What is it?" "Two things," said the leader proudly. He told his underlings to get them, and addressed the council as they left. "Now, you will enjoy the ultimate in ratings and profitability. Give 'em what they want." The first one returned with a small boy, who ran over to Sheridan. "Hey! I wanna to into C&C! Can I see C&C? Can I push some of the buttons? Can I? Can I? Can I?" The second one returned with some sort of self-mobile device. A cheesily syntesized voice said, "I am Zebo-X1. I am adorable. Both parents and kids love me. And so do you. Especially when I make my funny noise. Keeba-keeba-keeba." "All right," said Sheridan. "That's it. I want you people the hell off my station, and the hell out of my univrese--NOW!!!!!!!" How persistent are the visitors? Will they leave without a fight? Is this the last known universe unaffected by their influence? How can Picard & co. help? Find out in the next installment of...The Greater Enemy. The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 6 WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PARODY FOR THIS IMPORTANT NEWS REPORT. All of the Earth Alliance and many alien worlds are looking with interest to a situation on Babylon 5. ISN News has learned that a mysterious cybernetic race, calling themselves "The Networks," has entered our universe with intent to assimilate us and make all of us into its own kind. Almost all are opposed to it, except most Earth Alliance senators, who think it might not be such a bad idea. However, ISN News has learned that Captain John J. Sheridan of Babylon 5 has considered Grid Epsilon quaranteened for the duration of this crisis, with no ships--human or alien--entering or leaving Babylon 5 space until the resolution of this crisis. Captain Sheridan has given no indication of when we might expect that, just that, "A plan is in the works." More on this story as it develops. This is Sally Vacuum for ISN News. Picard left the shuttle bay and made his way to the bridge in record time. He had to be ready the moment Captain Sheridan gave the word. He quickly scrambled together an Away Team, which was coincidentally made up of all the main characters, leaving a young red-haired Ensign with bad acne in charge of the ship. On the trip over, Geordi briefed them as to the exact plan. "Now, as we all have discovered, the emergence of the Network vessel has caused us to regain at least partial control over our technology, as well as causing other impossibilities and inconsistencies to arise. We feel we can use this to our advantage." Data took over. "Since both our technologies run on the same theory, we should be able to exploit the situation when required by employing our usual modus operandi, which, to coin the proper human expression, is to 'make it up as we go along.'" Picard made sure his team was ready to implement the plan at a moment's notice, then watched as Riker piloted the shuttle towards Babylon 5, matching its rotation, easing it forward, slamming off the side, spinning wildly, and crashing into the landing bay. "Ha!" said Riker, rubbing his fingernails against his tunic. "I still got it!" Sheridan, was on his way to discuss the plan with Garibaldi, but was having trouble getting the kid out of his hair. Literally. The kid was on his shoulders, pulling his hair and screaming to be let into C&C. When he arrived, he saw one of the the Network leaders talking with Garibaldi. "Any resistance you may try is futile; we have always assimilated and made into our own. It's what we do. We have been influencing your universe for some time even before our arrival." "You mean what you did to Keffer? The Doc says you zapped his intelligence our something. Is that what you're going to do to all of us?" "It started long before that, Mr. Garibaldi. But yes, our plans do include making you...more responsive to the *right* way of doing things." He turned to leave. "Heed my warnings, Chief. Resisting will only make it more unpleasant." He left the room. Garibaldi eyed Sheridan's predicament and got an idea. He lifted the kid from Sheridan's shoulders and said to him, "You see that guy that just left?" "Uh huh?" the kid said. "Well he's got something *really* nice for you." "What?" Garibaldi told him. The kid ran out the door and down the hall. "Hey, MISSS-TER!" "Thanks," said Sheridan. "I owe you. What about that annoying little robot guy?" "Hey, I gotta tell you--he makes for *great* target practice!" Just then Garibaldi's link beeped. "Garibaldi, go." "Hey, Chief, this is Lou Welch. We got a problem with that Q guy. He escaped from his cell." Garibaldi sighed. "On my way." Sheridan and Garibaldi arrived at the airlock at the front of the station. Q was inside. "What the hell is going on?" said Garibaldi. "I was trying to lure those Network guys in here," said Q. "Believe me, they're nothing but trouble. Look what they did to *me* in Legend!" "You're supposed to be in holding," Sheridan reminded him. "I'm not your problem, Captain! Without my powers, I can't do much, but I sill have my brains. And admit it, you puny humans are alike in all universes--small-minded and mentally purile. Face it--you *need* my help." "Hey, you know something?" said Sheridan. "I know *everything*!" said Q. "You're a real pain in the ass!" said Sheridan, and he hit the "Eject" button, sending Q flying out into space. "Hey!" Q shouted back. "You shouldn't space me, Johnny. My thirteenth cousin twice removed spaced me once...*Once*!" and he drifted out of view. "Well," said Garibaldi, "*that's* a relief!" They met with Picard and his away team and managed to get back to C&C without much happening. They concluded their conversation as they entered. "You mean, you took your entire command crew with you? And left an Ensign in charge?" "Only the most capable and distinguished get on the Enterprise," explained Picard, trying to ignore Riker picking his nose. "I assure you, Ensign Neuman is quite capable of handling things. And he reacts to stressful situations very easily." "Really?" "Absolutely. In fact, his motto is, 'What, me worry?'" Six of the humanoids, one representing each Network, entered the C&C and collectively demanded their surrender...well, except for one of them who had that annoying kid on his shoulder, pulling his ears and saying, "I want an Eathter egg! I want an Eathter egg!" Sheridan turned to Picard. "I think now is as good a time as any." Picard tapped his badge so that Ensign Neuman could hear his crew's commands. "Ensign," said Geordi, "activate the main deflector dish and set its phase modulator inducer to the upper E-band." "Now," said Data, "realign the plasma coil to a seven degree trajectory." "Step up the Sonic Oscillator," said Geordi. "Activate the Sonic Transducer," said Data, "and secure all levels at zero." Sheridan looked out the window at the scene. The Enterprise was surging with power. *Something* was happening. "Now connect the warp coil to the pulse output relay on the...the... the..." Geordi couldn't believe it. He was running out of steam. "Quick!" he said. "Someone make up a good word!" There was some stuttering and stammering for a few seconds, until Ivanova blurted out, "Frazmolizer?" "Frazmolizer! That's good!" said Geordi. "Connect the warp coil to the pulse output relay on the Frazmolizer." The Enterprise was glowing bright blue, and then it collected in front of the deflector dish and shot out towards the Network vessel, hitting it in a spectacular array of fireworks. It had no effect. "Ha!" said one of the Network leaders. "If *that's* the best you can do, sit back...and watch *this*!" The cube-shaped vessel surged with power and prepared to fire...But just as the mind-zapping energy burst was about to begin, three new ships appeard. Black and spider-like, they only hung around long enough to slice the Network vessel into a million pieces, then disappeared again. Everyone watched with jaws dropped. Finally, Ivanova said, "What the hell happened?" "You must have upset someone very badly," said Picard, amused. "I don't understand it...All we did was offer them their own Saturday morning kids' show!" Do the Networks pose a threat any longer? What will happen to their representatives? What about Q? Will he be left floating around in empty space forever? Could we actually *be* so lucky? Has everyone forgotten about Deanna, sitting bored in her holding cell? Will Keffer regain his intelligence? How will everything manage to straighten itself out? Find out in the conclusion of...The Greater Enemy. The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 7 Captain's log. Stardate: A1&A2. With the resolution of the present crisis, I am prearing my command crew do disembark from Babylon 5, and return home. Our only obstacle is the release of Deanna Troi. Sheridan was mediating the discussion between Bester and Picard outside Deanna's cell. It got very heated, with Picard saying she didn't belong in this Universe and Bester insisting she be controlled. Finally, Sheridan got them to agree to a comprimise: Bester would mind-scan Deanna and see if she posed any threat to this Universe that couldn't be solved by her leaving. "Are you crazy?" said Deanna, speking up for the first time. "I'm not having *him* in my head!" "I'm afraid," said Bester, smiling, "that you have no choice." "I *can* defend myself," said Deanna as she felt Bester's mind probe begin. "Oh, *please*, I hope you're not going to recite Mary Had A Little Lamb. Such amateurish defences are not enough against a PsiCop." Bester probed further. He was just about inside her mind--quite a challenge, considering the relative size (or lack thereof)--when a shearing burst skewed through his own mind. It was caused by Deanna singing at the top of her lungs. "DON'T TEAR MY HEART! MY ACHEY BREAKEY HEART!" "Must...burrow...past...defences..." Bester was weakening. "YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!" Bester groaned. It was just too much to take. "AND IF YOU TEAR MY HEART, MY ACHEY BREAKEY HEART..." "All right!" Bester screamed. "You win! Go back home. Do what you want. Just PLEASE STOP SINGING!!!!" He breathed in, regained his composure, and left with as much dignity as possible. Sheridan, himself, was not unaffected. "Ms. Troi, as much as I like seeing someone get the best of a PsiCop, I'm afraid I'm going to insist that you leave now without incident. I'm willing to be lenient, but I should warn you that, aside from treason, singing that song is the only crime for which spacing is considered appropriate punishment." As Picard and crew prepaired (actually, after Riker's landing, it was more like *re*paired) their shuttle for disembarking, Sheridan stopped by MedLab on his way to C&C. "How's Keffer doing, Doc?" "Not bad. I've been showing him vids of The X-Files. I think he's coming around. I should have him back to normal shortly." "Glad to hear it." And with that loose end resolved, he left MedLab, and found the Network representatives there, held by Bester and two of his cronies. "So," said Sheridan, "I take it you're going to claim responsibility for these...Persons?" "With the loss of Q and Ms. Troi, we couldn't very much go back empty-handed." "It's not going to do you any good!" one of the Network reps said. "There'll be others. You won't escape assimilation this easy." "Why don't you just give it up?" said Sheridan. "You know you're beaten." "Oh?" said the rep. "Then ask yourself this: Why were the last 4 episodes of Season 2 delayed?" Sheridan couldn't think fo a good answer. "Why isn't Season 1 being repeated?" "Ummm...I don't make those decisions..." "Because the viewers are stupid, of course! They can't handle a simple cast change! You *know* you have to pander to mindless simpletons!" That really got Sheridan's dander up. "Now look here...I'll admit, there are some aspects where we treat the viewers in less than congratulatory terms, but only superficially. What we're doing is something that's rarely tried, especially by you Networks. It's called Quality. Give the viewers a good story, and don't insult their intelligence, and you give them Quality." The rep winced every time he said that word. "Quality does not get the ratings, Sheridan." "We'll see," said Sheridan. "We'll see." He turned to Bester. "What will PsiCorp do with them?" Bester thought of the best way to explain it, without giving away PsiCorp secrets. "Occasionally, don't you military men resort to using people as...I believe the phrase is...'cannon fodder'?" "Yes," said Sheridan, uncomfortably, "occasionally we do." "Well, let's just say that we have...similar needs." He gave Sheridan his famous salute. "Be seeing you, Captain." As they left, Sheridan chuckled. No one could comprehend what the PsiCorp might have in store for them, but it wouldn't be pleasant. It was nice to know there was at least a modicum of justice in the Universe. Sheridan entered C&C and asked Ivanova for a report. "Bester's ship has already left, and the Enterprise crew has returned to their ship, preparing to leave." "Commander, we're getting a signal from the Enterprise." Picard's face appeared on screen. "This is the Starship Enterprise to Babylon Control. Permission to depart." "Granted," said Sheridan. "And it was great working with you. You've given us some valuable skills in case they try to attack us again." "it's nice to know that their influence is not everywhere," said Picard. "Farewell, Babylon 5." "Happy journey, Enterprise," said Sheridan. "You may proceed to jumpgate," said Ivanova. They watched as the Enterprise flew to the jumpgate, and Sheridan thought he saw something tiny following it--and recognized it immediately. "Am I crazy, or is that Q?" "It certainly looks like Q, sir," said Ivanova. "What's he doing out there?" "Looks like the backstroke." He was just about to comment on Ivanova's tasteless (and old) joke, when he took a closer look--and noticed she was right! For all the world, it looked like Q was *swimming* towards the Enterprise. Q used what powers he had for all their worth. "Hey! Wait for me! I'm not about to stick around here where I have no powers!" He just managed to grip the back of the Enterprise as it went through the jumpgate, and went on the ride of his life. "WOOOOOAAAHHHHH! WHAT A WORLD!!!!!!!" The Enterprise came out into normal space. "All readings appear normal," said Data. "But where are we?" said Picard. What Universe? Did it work?" As if in answer to his question, Q popped in, simultaneously causing party hats to appear on everyone's heads and streamers fall from the sky. "Ah! Mon Capitan! It's good to be home!" He started playing a polka on an accordion. Picard sighed. Well, at least things were back to normal... The Babylon 5 crew had just seen the Enterprise fly through the jumpgate. "All right, everyone, listen up!" said Sheridan. "I'm making an executive order: Anyone caught crossing over into our universe is to be dealt with, swiftly and efficiently. Do I make myself clear?" "Yes, sir!" Everyone said that except for Garibaldi. Halfway through Sheridan's sentence, Garibaldi felt himself being flooded with electricity, and glowing with light--and wondered what the hell was going on. Ivanova noticed him look dizzy, and stumbled. "Garibaldi, are you all right?" He appeared disoriented. "What?" "Michael," said Sheridan, "You don't look so good. Better get yourself down to MedLab." Garibaldi looked around him, and said two words, which, if only they had known, would have made chills run up their spine: "Oh, boy." THE END