===========================================================================
               THE OFFICAL UNOFFICAL RED DWARF QUOTES FILE v0.9
- Compiled from submissions to alt.tv.red-dwarf readers mine own efforts.
- Comments, quotes, etc (no flames please) to ROBINSON_M@kosmos.wcc.govt.nz
===========================================================================

#NEEDS_CORRECTION
From 'Waiting For God':
Holly (qouting Capt. H.): "There's a saying amongst the officers; If
a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing,
give it to Rimmer!"
#1_1
From 'The End':
Holly: Well, she [Kochanski] won't be much use to you on Fiji now -- not
       unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.
#1_1
From 'The End':
Lister: You see, I try and respect Rimmer, sir.  I'm not an insubordinate
        man by nature.  I try and respect him and everything, but it's not
        easy because he's such a smeghead.
Rimmer: Did you hear that, sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of the
        penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?
Todhunter: Oh, Rimmer, you are a smeghead.
#1_1
From 'The End':
Lister: You didn't have the right parents?  Whose parents did you have?
#1_1
From 'The End':
Petersen: Have you seen Rimmer's arm?
Chen:     No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!
#1_2
From 'Future Echoes':
Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an I.Q. of 6000 -- the same
       I.Q. of 6000 P.E. teachers.
#1_2
From 'Future Echoes':
Rimmer: If you had two people coming for a job, and one of them was dead,
        which one would you pick?
#1_2
From 'Future Echoes':
Rimmer: It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be
        was an event that could will have been taken place in the future.
#1_3
From 'Balance of Power':
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: Fish!
Food machine: Today's fish is trout a la creme. Enjoy your meal!
Cat: I will!
#1_5
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Holly: Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going
       on. It's still an emergency. This is an emergency announcement.
#1_5
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: I killed him, cha cha cha.
Lister:     What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha?
#1_5
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Confidence: Oxygen's for losers!
#1_5
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Cat: This is mine; that's mine [etc.]; I'm claiming all this as mine ...
     except that bit.  I don't want that bit.  But all the rest of this
     is mine!  Hey, this has been a good day!  I've eaten five times, I've
     slept six times, and I'd made a lot of things mine!  Tomorrow I'm going
     to see if I can't have sex with something!
#1_5
From 'Confidence and Paranoia':
Lister: Love is what separates us from animals
Rimmer: No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't use
        our tongues to clean our own genitals.
#1_6
From 'Me^2':
Lister: Ah, the Pop-Up Karma Sutra, Zero-Gravity Edition!  That's mine.
#1_6
From 'Me^2':
Holly:  Busy, Dave?
Lister: Well, yeah.  I am, actually.
Holly:  Oh, then you won't want to know about the two super-lightspeed
        fighters that are tracking us.
Lister: What?!
Holly:  I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate.
Lister: No, Hol, come on, come on.
Holly:  They're from Earth.
Lister: Three million years away?
Holly:  They're from the NorWEB federation.
Lister: What's that?
Holly:  The North Western Electricity Board.  They want you, Dave.
Lister: Me?  Why?  What for?
Holly:  For your crimes against humanity.
Lister: You what!
Holly:  It seems when you left Earth three million years ago, you
        left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your
        kitchen.
Lister: Did I?
Holly:  You know what happens to sausages left unattended for
        three million years?
Lister: Yeah.  They go all mouldy.
Holly:  Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's
        surface.  Also you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in a
        bank account.  Thanks to compound interest you now own
        ninety-eight percent of all the world's wealth, but since
        you've hoarded it for three million years nobody's got any
        money except for you and NorWEB.
Lister: Why NorWEB?
Holly:  You left a light on in the bathroom.  I've got a final demand
        here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds.
Lister: A hundred and eighty billion pounds!  You're kidding!
Holly:  (wearing Groucho Marx disguise) April fool.
Lister: But it's not April.
Holly:  Yeah, I know, but I could hardly wait six months with a red-hot
        jape like that under my belt.
#1_6
From 'Me^2':
(exiting a closet)
Cat: He won't find that one -- not until he changes his boots. (sees Lister,
     hides his face) "Did you see him clearly? Did you get a good look at
     his face? Could you spot him in a parade?"  I don't think so -- that
     could have been anybody!
#2_1
From 'Kryten':
(returns from getting tea, is told that the crew is dead)
Kryten: My god!  But I was only away two minutes!
#2_1
From 'Kryten':
Lister: No way are these my boxer shorts -- these bend!
#2_1
From 'Kryten':
Holly:  Nothing wrong with dog's milk: full of goodness; full of vitamins;
        full of marrow-bone jelly!  Lasts longer than any other type of
        milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why's that?
Holly:  No bugger will drink it!
#2_1
From 'Kryten':
Lister: 'Mr Arnold' isn't even his name. His name's 'Rimmer'; or 'Smeghead';
        or 'Dinosaur breath'; or 'Molecule Mind'.  And if you want to be
        really mega-polite to him, Kryten - we're talking mega-mega-polite -
        on those rare and exceptional circumstances, you can call him
        'Arsehole'.
#2_1
From 'Kryten':
Rimmer: You? How did you get into art college?
Lister: The normal way you get into art college, the same old usual boring
        normal way you get in: I failed my exams and applied -- they snapped
        me up!
#2_2
From 'Better Than Life':
Cat: I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie;
     I'm going to eat you little fishie; 'cause I like eating fish!
#2_2
From 'Better Than Life':
Rimmer: The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.
Lister: The lamb? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that lemon
        meringue pie, man -- what was in that?
Rimmer: I thought you liked that -- you brought some back.
Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot!
#2_2
From 'Better Than Life':
Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly
        cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!
#2_2
From 'Better Than Life':
Cat:    My stomach has been pumped and now I'm hungry! Man, I just
        /have/ to eat!
Lister: Rimmer's dad has died.
Cat:    Well, I'd prefer chicken.
#2_2
From 'Better Than Life':
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to tell you...
Rimmer:                 Yes?
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say...
Rimmer:                 Yes?
Rimmer's Father:        I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead!
Rimmer:                 What?!  This isn't my fantasy!
Cat:                    No -- it's mine.
#2_3
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
Rimmer: How about: breaking your leg hurts like hell, right?  'Hel'.  They
        do it beLOW the knee -- lo -- 'Hello'; get it?  They do it twice --
        two -- 'Hello to', and the jigsaw must mean 'you': 'Hello to you'!
Cat:    I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a
        speech!
#2_3
From 'Thanks for the Memory':
Holly: Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!
#2_4
From 'Stasis Leak':
Holly: It's better to have loved and to have lost than to listen to an album
       by Olivia Newton-John.
Cat:   Why's that?
Holly: Anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia Newton-John.
#2_4
From 'Stasis Leak':
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand
                still.  So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve
                whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat:            What is it?
Rimmer:         It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal
                laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat:            What is it?
Lister:         It's a hole back into the past.
Cat:            Oh, a magic door!  Well, why didn't you say?
#2_4
From 'Stasis Leak':
Holly: I was in love once -- a Sinclair ZX-81.  People said, "No, Holly,
       she's not for you."  She was cheap, she was stupid and she wouldn't
       load -- well, not for me, anyway.
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
Rimmer: You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
Lister: Shouldn't this cable go somewhere?
Holly:  Yes, connect it to the blue cable.
--- Lister electrocuted ---
Holly:  ...or was that the yellow cable? Yes, it should have been the
        yellow cable.
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
Lister: I had this Geography teacher, Miss Foster. She took us on a school
        summer camp trip to the Ganwee.  I had the tent next to hers, right.
        And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird
        noise.  /She/ didn't think men were better than machines.
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
Cat:    Look at my hands! I had lovely hands!
Lister: Well, wear the smegging gloves!
Cat:    Marigold with blue? Are you crazy?
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
Lister: Look at what he's given me for dinner: a pea on toast.  One pea.
        I tell you, I'm that far from cracking.  (goes to squish the pea;
        it snaps away) I've lost my pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked.
Rimmer: He's just doing this to destroy your morale.
Lister: Is he?  Well, I want my pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea.
        Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor all covered in fluff,
        if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where
        it is -- it's my pea, I earned it, and I'm going to eat it no matter
        what!
Rimmer: It flew off into your dirty-sock basket.
Lister: I'll just have the toast.
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
Cat:   If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a
       pattern emerging: Every time you make a move, he makes one too
       (winks to Holly).
Holly: (winks back) Thanks, Cat.
#2_5
From 'Queeg':
Holly:  We are talking Jape of the Decade. We are talking April, May, June,
        July, and August, fool.  Yes, that's right -- I am Queeg.
Rimmer, Lister, Cat:    WHAT?!!!!!!
#2_6
From 'Parallel Universe':
Lister: Come on, what are you: a man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.
#2_6
From 'Parallel Universe':
Dog:  I tell you what: I'm gonna smell your behind, then you can smell mine!
      Now is that a deal?
Cat:  You want to smell my WHAT?
#2_6
From 'Parallel Universe':
Lister: That's rich, you know, coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers.
#3_1
From 'Backwards':
"You are a stupid, square-headed, bald git, aren't you, eh?  [there is a cut
 here]  I'm pointing at you, yes, I'm pointing at you, but I'm not actually
 addressing you; I'm addressing the one prat in the country who thought he
 could get hold of this recording, turn it round, and actually work out the
 rubbish that I'm saying.  What a poor, sad life he's got!  [there is a cut
 here]  Frankly, your act's crap, anyway -- anybody could have had it.  I
 hate the lot of you!  Bollocks to you!"
{NB: Said by the club manager, backwards -- don't look for it}
#3_1
From 'Backwards':
[Lister and Cat rapping]
"We didn't come here looking for trouble
 We just came to do the Red Dwarf Shuffle
 He's smart..."
#3_1
From 'Backwards':
Cat:    Is that what I think it is?
Lister: What d'you think it is?
Cat:    An orange whirly thing in space!
#3_2
From 'Marooned':
Rimmer: But that was a barroom brawl, that was a common pub fight,
        a shambolic drunken set-to.
Lister: ...which you started.
Rimmer: I just made an innocuous comment.  I merely voiced the rumour that
        McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead.
        I didn't start the rumour; I merely voiced it.
Lister: ...to his face -- right to his face...when he was with his four
        biggest mates.  And then you do your roadrunner act and leave /me/
        to face the music.
Rimmer: Well, I could have got hurt!
Lister: You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you?
#3_3
From 'Polymorph':
Rimmer: What about the Rimmer Directive, which states, "Never tangle with
        anything that's got with more teeth than the entire Osmond family"?
#3_3
From 'Polymorph':
Genny:  You know, you're probably the best-looking guy I've ever seen.
Cat:    Well, I wasn't going to be the first to say it.
Genny:  Do you know what I'd really like?
Cat:    Hmm?
Genny:  I'd really like to make love to a guy like you.
Cat:    Well, I'm sure I have a window in my schedule somewhere.  Let's see,
	er, what are you doing in, say, ten seconds time?
Genny:  Nothing I couldn't cancel. (licks teeth)
Cat:    Hi, I'm the Cat.
Genny:  Hi, I'm the Genetic Mutant.
Cat:    Glad to know you ... Genny who?
#3_3
From 'Polymorph':
Lister: Lemon juice? (holds up canister)
Cat:    What the hell is that?
Lister: It's a syringe.
Cat:    What kind of syringe?
Lister: It's for cows -- artificial insemination.
#3_3
From 'Polymorph':
Cat: This isn't a meal -- this is an autopsy!
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Kryten: We could go to Dallas in November, 1963, stand on the grassy knoll
        and shout "Duck!" ... I'm sorry; I must have bypassed my Good Taste
        Chip.
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Lister: The wacked-out crazy hippy drummer is called Dobbin.  He joined the
        police force in the end -- became a Grand Wizard in the Freemasons.
        The bass is called Gazza. He was a neo-marxist nihilistic anarchist.
        Eventually he joined a large insurance company and got his own
        parking space.
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Cat: Look at that collar! You could go hang gliding!
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Kryten:  Pub: ah, yes, a meeting place where people attempt to reach
         advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption
         of fermented vegetable drinks.
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Holly:  Ah, got him: 'Tension Sheet, inventor of, Dave Lister, aged 17.'
Rimmer: Damn!
Holly:  And he died tragically in a plane crash, aged 98.
Rimmer: 98!
Holly:  His own fault, apparently -- he was making love to his 14th wife and
        lost control of the plane.
Rimmer: Have you got any photographs?
Holly:  Not of that, no!
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Blaize: Hello, and welcome to 'The Lifestyles of the Disgustingly Rich and
        Famous.' Tonight we will be looking at the world's youngest
        billionare, Mr Dave 'Tension Sheet' Lister. Behind me, Mr. Lister's
        English mansion; he had the whole building transported brick by
        brick from half a mile down the road just to get away from the
        neighbours. Now that's the kind of cash that opens anybody's legs!
        The gravel in his drive came from Buckingham Palace.  Dave bought
        Buck Palace and had it ground down just to line his drive.  This man
        has a wad so thick you could use it to beat whales to death.  He
        calls his home 'Xanadu' not in reference to the famous movie
        'Citizen Kane', but as a tribute to the hit single by Dave, Dee,
        Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Tish. But Dave has musical aspirations of his
        own. Only last year his first single, 'Om', shot to No. 1 when he
        personally purchased three million copies.  You'll never be short of
        an ashtray in his house.  Like many people who appear to have
        everything, Dave's life has been tinged with tragedy.  Well,
        actually it hasn't, but we can only hope.
#3_5
From 'Timeslides':
Rimmer: Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.  I'm
ALIVE!!!!! (smashes his hands on crates of explosives and is blown to bits)
#3_6
From 'The Last Day':
Rimmer: Kryten, isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for
        re-tuning?
#3_6
From 'The Last Day':
Kryten: Damage control report: Dehydration level 45%; Recall of previous
        evening 2%; Embarrassment factor 91%!  Advise repair schedule:
        Reboot startup disk, offline for 36 hours and replace head.
        Boy! What a night!
#3_6
From 'The Last Day':
Lister: We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space.  Can
        someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Cat:    Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone!  It's the
        policewoman's helmet and the suspenders I don't understand!
#3_6
From 'The Last Day':
Kryten: No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?
#4_1
From 'Camille':
Kryten: It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian traffic warden!
#4_1
From 'Camille':
Kryten: Camille looks like your sister-in-law?  What happened?  Was she
        involved in some kind of horrific car accident?
Rimmer: Who? Janine?  No, of course not -- she was a model!
Kryten: And she looked like Camille?
Rimmer: Absolutely!  The resemblance is uncanny!
Kryten: What did she model? Spark plugs?
#4_1
From 'Camille':
Kryten: You'll like them ... well, some of them ... well, one of them ...
        maybe.
#4_1
From 'Camille':
Kryten: Spin my nipple-nuts and send me to Alaska!
#4_1
From 'Camille':
Kryten: Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd!
#4_1
From 'Camille':
Rimmer: He's got mad droid disease. He kept waving a banana in front of me
        and calling it a female aardvark.
#4_1
From 'Camille':
Kryten: The way the light catches the angles of your head - most enchanting.
#4_1
From 'Camille':
Kryten: It's the old, old story:
           Droid meets Droid,
           Droid becomes Chameleon,
           Droid loses Chameleon,
           Chameleon turns into Blob,
           Droid gets Blob back again,
           Blob meets Blob,
           Blob goes off with Blob,
           and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid.
        How many times have we seen that story?
#4_2
From 'D.N.A.':
Lister: Any problems?
Kryten: Well, just one or two.  In fact I've compiled a little list if
        you'll indulge me.  Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't
        appear to have a zoom function.
Lister: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
Kryten: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
Lister: Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
Kryten: I see.  Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object.  All
        right, okay.  Well, what about other optical effects, like split
        screen, slow motion, Quantel[tm]?
Lister: No.  We don't have them.
Kryten: You don't have them -- just the zoom?  Hmm.  Well, no, that's
        fine, that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great.
        Now then, my nipples don't work.
Lister: Er, in what way 'don't work'?
Kryten: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used
        to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut
        was used mainly to, uh, pick up shortwave radio transmissions.
        Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't
        seem to pick up Jazz FM.
Lister: Human nipples don't do that, Kryte.
Kryten: I see.  Fine.  Ah: recharging.  Now, I presume that, uh, when a
        human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids
        do.  Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging
        socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear to have the
        standard three-pin adaption.  Now, do I have to use some kind of
        special adaptor? because, no matter what do, the lead just keeps
        falling out.
Lister: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging.
Kryten: Hmm.  Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something.
        Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a
        little embarrassed about.  It's a bit of a taboo subject -- not
        the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite
        conversation.
Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy.  Spit it
        out, man.
Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis.  I knew it,
        you've gone straight into smirk mode.  Aren't we both two
        human adults?  Can't we discuss our reproductive system
        without adolecent sniggering?
Lister: Yeah, of course we can.
Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid]  Well?
Lister: 'Well' what?
Kryten: Well, what do you think?
Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten.  What am I supposed to say?
Kryten: I want to know: is that normal?
Lister: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates?
        No, it's not!
Kryten: Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: It's hideous!  That's the best design they could come up with?
        Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone
        said "Ah, there, that's it.  That's the shape we're looking
        for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look"?  Shakespeare had one?
        Einstein?  Perry Como sang 'Memories are Made of This' with
        one of those stashed in his slacks?
Lister: Well, yeah.
Kryten: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode!  Ugh.  Now, take a
        look at this [hands Lister polaroid.  Lister rotates it
        several times, perplexed] and this.  [hands Lister second
        polaroid.  Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom.
        Sudden shock]  Now why do you suppose that happened?
Lister: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
Kryten: Well, nothing in particular, sir.  I was just idly flicking
        through an electrical-appliance catalogue.  I came across the
        section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my
        underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
Lister: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other.  You shouldn't
        be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
Kryten: It /was/ a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a
        self-emptying dustbag.
Lister: Kryten, I don't care what model it was.  No vacuum cleaner
        should give a human being a double polaroid.  Do yourself a
        favour, man, change back.
Kryten: Back?  Become one of those poor sappy sad-act mechanoids again?
        This is my dream.  Hey listen, listen, I've got a joke for
        you.  Now, how many mechanoids does it take to change a
        lightbulb?
Lister: [sadly] I don't know.
Kryten: Twelve.  And you know why?
Lister: [even sadder] Why?
Kryten: Because they're so stupid!  Uhuhuhuhuh.  Isn't that just the
        greatest joke?  Huhuh.  I've got another one.  Ever heard of
        the mechanoid peeping-Tom?  [Looks repeatedly, like a machine.]
        Uhuhuhuhuh.
[Lister leaves.  External shot with Kryten's laughs echoing]
[Later]
Cat:    Man, this is a totally wacked-out idea.  It's never going to
        work.
Rimmer: That DNA machine can do anything.  Why shouldn't it work? The
        hard part was finding one of my dead cells.
Cat:    You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
Rimmer: Why not?  Dandruff has DNA in it.  That machine has a clone
        facility.
Cat:    But a man made from dandruff?  It's never going to work.  The
        first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll
        disappear.
Rimmer: I won't be made of dandruff -- my body will be recreated from
        the genetic pattern contained in its structure.
[Lister enters]
Cat:    How's Kryten?
Lister: Confused.  If he ever offers to show you his photo collection,
        my advice is: decline, politely.
#4_2
From 'D.N.A.':
(shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken)
Cat:    The question is: Can we turn him back again?
Rimmer: The question is: Do we want to?
#4_2
From 'D.N.A.':
Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of trouble,
        you always look out for Number One, you're vain, you're narcissistic,
        and you're self-obsessed.
Cat:    You just listed all my best features!
#4_2
From 'D.N.A.':
(fighting the Mutton Vindaloo Beast)
Lister: Of course! Lager -- the only thing that can kill a vindaloo!
#4_3
From 'Justice':
Convict: You have no weapons?
Lister:  No.  You have no weapon?
Convict: No. [they advance] Guess what. [pulls out a knife] I lied.
Lister:  Guess what. [pulls out a length of pipe] So did I.
Convict: But I lied ... [pulls out a gun] ... twice.
Lister:  I didn't think of that.
#4_3
From 'Justice':
Cat: My god! His head burst!
#4_4
From 'White Hole':
(asserting that is isn't drunk)
Lister: I am not pished.
#4_4
From 'White Hole':
Talkie Toaster: Given that God is infinite, and that the Universe is also
                infinite, would you like a toasted tea cake?
#4_5
From 'Dimension Jump':
Mellie: If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.
Ace:    Sorry, Mellie -- I don't fraternise with staff.
Mellie: I resign.
Ace:    I'll be there at 1300.
#4_5
From 'Dimension Jump':
Ace: Sorry, Bongo, but lunch is ... on Mellie.
#4_5
From 'Dimension Jump':
Holly:  Purple alert! Purple alert!
Lister: What's a purple alert?
Holly:  Well, it's like not as bad as a red a alert, but a bit worse
        than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert.
#4_5
From 'Dimension Jump':
Ace: Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast.
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Cat:    What? Am I the only sane one here?  Why don't we drop the
        defensive shields?
Kryten: A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws.
        One: We don't have any defensive shields, and Two: We don't
        have any defensive shields.  Now, I realise that, technically
        speaking, that's only one flaw, but I thought that it was such
        a big one it was worth mentioning twice.
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm
        initial speculation: there is absolutely nothing of any value or
        interest here. It's one of the old Class II ship-to-surface vessels
        -- the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major flight
        design flaws. Crew: three. One Series 4000 mechanoid, almost burnt
        out. Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvagable value.  Ah,
        Felix Sapiens -- bred from the domestic housecat, and about half as
        smart. No value in future study of this species.  What have we here?
        A human being, or a very close approximation. Chronological age:
        mid-20s. Physical age: 47. Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly,
        otherwise would recommend it for the museum. Apart from that, of no
        value or interest.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smegpot. Brains
        in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing. Genitalia small
        and inoffensive. Of no value or interest.
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour. The human has
        knowledge of irony, satire and imitation. With patient tuition
        could, maybe, master simple tasks.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble.
        Seems unable to grasp simple threats. With careful pummelling could,
        possibly, be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
Binks:  Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion that he is
        somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
Lister: Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware
        that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet.
        Unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be
        history in two seconds flat.  (eats cigarette, removes his jacket)
Binks:  Binks to Enlightment. Recon mission complete. Transmit. With speed.
        Enlightment, quickly, please.
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Rimmer: I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I have
        ever been forced to endure.  I consider it an insult to my backside
        to have to sit growing carbuncles through such putrid adolescent
        slush.
Kryten: You didn't find it uplifting?
 ...
Cat:    Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart.  All that
        stuff about the ducks getting into trouble was great, but then it
        went black and white and I fell asleep.
Kryten: But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme!
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
(commenting on his opinion of 'King of Kings; The Story of Jesus')
Rimmer: Well, its true -- a simple carpenter's son who learns magic tricks
        like that and /doesn't/ go into show business?
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Kryten: They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!
Cat:    Quick!  Let's get out of here before they bring him back!
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
(about the lack of a Sex Deck on Red Dwarf)
Nirvana: Well, what do you do when you want to have sex?
Rimmer:  We... go for runs? Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid...
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Nirvana: It was ... different.
Rimmer:  Different?
Nirvana: You make love like a Japanese meal -- small portions but /so/ many
         courses.
 ...
Nirvana: We usually talk.
Rimmer:  What do you talk about?
Nirvana: Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles...
Rimmer:  I'm sorry.  I must seem very ignorant.  I hardly said anything,
         apart from 'Geronimo'.
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Lister: Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird,
        stuck-up megalomaniacs -- do you really think you'll fit in with
        them?  What am I saying? Bon voyage.
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Kryten: Sir, I beg you to reconsider.  If not for your sanity, you haven't
        even considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will
        be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with
        beautiful, brilliant women, twice daily, on demand.  Now, am I
        really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
(talking to Lister about Rimmer's mind patch)
Kryten: You must remember that he is operating on a completely different
        level to us now.  To him, we are the intellectual equivalent of
        domestic science teachers.
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Woman:  I'd just like to get one thing clear in my mind.  This is an
        opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become a part of
        the crew ... and the crew is you three.  Basically, you spend
        your time salvaging derelict spaceships, playing poker, and
        eating curries.
Lister: We don't exactly do that much salvaging.
Woman:  But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries.
Kryten: We don't eat curries every night, if that's what you mean.  In fact,
        I distinctly remember a time last June: Mr Lister had a pizza.
Lister: That's right.
Kryten: Remember? And you didn't like it.  But then I poured curry sauce all
        over it, and he just yummed it up!
Woman:  And the all-night poker sessions: is it always /strip/ poker?
Lister: It all depends on how drunk we are.
Cat:    Or how much curry he's had.
Woman:  So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't have
        much interest in horse riding or ballet?
Lister: Fine by us -- just so long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're
        cool.  Well, of course, there's one or two other people we have to
        see, but, in theory, if offered the post of replacement hologram,
        would you accept?
Woman:  No.  No, I think I'm better off where I am.
Cat:    But you're dead!
Woman:  And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot
        more.
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
(making his goodbyes)
Rimmer: I just want to say: over the years, I have come to regard you as ...
        people I met.
#5_1
From 'Holoship':
Rimmer: Oh, and, sir, you're wrong.  We won't be apart -- we just won't be
        together. [pauses, then cringes] I cannot believe I just said that!
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Kryten: Ah, Virgil's Aeneid -- the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit of Helen
        of Troy.  The classic work by the greatest Latin poet who ever put
        quill to parchment.
Lister: Yeah, it's the comic-book version.
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Kryten: That is the Inquisitor.  He prunes away the wastrels, expunges the
        wretched, and deletes the worthless.
Rimmer: We're in big trouble.
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Rimmer: Why did no-one mention this before?  If I had been told about this
        at the start, that the object was to lead a worthwhile life, I could
        have done something about it.  All those charity telethons when I
        used ring in and pledge donations -- if I had known all this, I
        would have given them /my/ credit card number.
Kryten: Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist or a
        missionary worker -- you simply have to seize the gift of life...
Rimmer: Oh god.
Kryten: ...make a contribution...
Rimmer: Oh god.
Kryten: ...no matter how small.
Rimmer: Oh god.
Kryten: You simply have to have led a life that wasn't totally egocentric,
        vain and self serving.
Rimmer: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you!
Kryten: I'm just trying to make you feel better, sir.
Rimmer: Well, shut up, then!
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
NOTE: Inq=Inquisitor
Inq:    Who is to be first?
Rimmer and Cat: Lister.
Inq:    The hologram.  You shall be first.
Rimmer: Pardon? Sir?
Inq:    You have been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of life.
        Tell me: what have you done to deserve this superlative good fortune?
Rimmer: Well, I say this with the highest respect, but, what gives you the
        right to ask -- no, actually to demand -- that answer of me, your
        magnificence? (curtsies and bows)
Inq:    All must answer to the Inquisitor.
Rimmer: But how do I know I'll get a fair hearing?
Inq:    Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, your judge shall
        be (lifts visor) yourself.
Rimmer: Oh smeg.
Inq:    Oh smeg indeed, matey.
Rimmer: Everyone is judged by their own self?
Inq:    It's a bit metaphysical, I know, but it's the only fair way.
        Now then, justify yourself.
Rimmer: Well, first I--
Inq:    Liar!
Rimmer: I've done good things.
Inq:    No you haven't.
Rimmer: In my heart, I've always tried to do good things.
Inq:    No you didn't.
Rimmer: Look, in my way I've tried to lead a good life.
Inq:    When?
Rimmer: (pause) Ah!  What's that in the corner?  It's the Archangel Gabriel!
        Well, that's me converted.  I'm a new man.  Hallelujah.
Inq:    You are a slimy, despicable, rat-hearted, green discharge of a man,
        aren't you?'
Rimmer: Well, sort of, yes.
Inq:    So then, justify yourself.
Rimmer: What else could I have been?  My father was a half-crazed military
        failure.  My mother was a bitch-queen from hell.  My brothers had
        all the looks and talent.  But what did I have?  Unmanageable hair
        and ingrowing toenails.  Yes, I admit I'm nothing, but, from what
        I started with, nothing is up.
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Cat:  Hi, buddy!
Inq:  This is your judgment day, bud.  I gotta be cruel.  There can't be no
      favours.
Cat:  I'm hearing you on FM.
Inq:  I have to ask you the question.  Justify your existence.  What
      contribution have you made?
Cat:  I have given pleasure to the world because I have such a beautiful ass.
Inq:  Well, that's true.
Cat:  Can I go now?
Inq:  That's your case?
Cat:  You need more?
Inq:  Some might say that's a pretty shallow argument.
Cat:  Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a
      great ass.
Inq:  Somtimes you astonish even me.
Cat:  Thank you.
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Inq:    Well, Kryten, justify yourself.
Kryten: I'm not sure I can.
Inq:    But surely your life is replete with good works.  There can be few
        individuals who have lived a more selfless life.
Kryten: But I am programmed to live unselfishly, and therefore any good
        works I do come not out of fine motives, but as a result of a series
        of binary commands I am compelled to obey.
Inq:    Well then, how can any mechanical justify himself?
Kryten: Perhaps only if he attempted to break his own programming and
        conduct his own life according to a set of values he arrived at
        independently.
Inq:    Your argument invites deletion.
Kryten: The rules are yours, not mine.
Inq:    Do you wish to be erased?
Kryten: Well, I am programmed not to wish for anything.  I serve.
Inq:    In a human, this behaviour might be considered stubborn.
Kryten: But I am not human, and neither are you.  And it is not our place to
        judge them.  I wonder why you do.
Inq:    (Closes visor) Enough.
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Inq:    (opens visor) Well, get out of this one, smeghead.
Lister: What are you talking about?
Inq:    You know what you could have made of your life if you'd tried.  What
        you could've become.
Lister: So?
Inq:    You've got brains, man -- brains you've never used.
Lister: So?
Inq:    So, justify yourself.
Lister: Spin on it.
Inq:    (closes visor)  The Inquisition is over.  I have reached my verdict.
        Two of you have failed to become that which you might so easily have
        been.  You have lived without merit, so will not have lived at all.
[Rimmer and Cat disappear]
Lister: You scum!  You've wiped them out!
Kryten: Sir...
Lister: He's crazy, Kryten.  He's erased the Cat and Rimmer!
Inq:    They are quite safe.
Kryten: Sir, I'm afraid it is we who are to be erased.
Lister: Ah.
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Lister: Well, if you've got some amazing secret plan up your sleeve, Kryten,
        now's the time to mention it.
Kryten: No plan, sir -- no sleeves.
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Lister: We used to be your shipmates.
Rimmer: Only ... we've forgotten you.
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: [to Cat] Well, I don't know about you, but I'm convinced.
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
(proving that he knows Rimmer)
Lister: You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard, and four
        people committed suicide!
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
(distracting the Inquisitor)
Kryten: Excuse me, could I just distract you for a brief second?
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Lister: Nyah!  It's the old backfiring-time-gauntlet trick.
#5_2
From 'Inquisitor':
Kryten: You are a sick, sick person!  If mechanoids could barf, I'd be on to
        my fifth bag by now.
#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
"Kryten personal blackbox recording.  Time: unknown.  Location: unknown.
 Cause of accident: unknown.  Should someone find this recording, perhaps
 it will shed light as to what happened here.  My short-term memory has
 been erased.  This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from
 Starbug's rear engine.  Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic
 coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased.  This, combined
 with the erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little disoriented."
#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
Cat: This sounds like a twelve-change-of-underwear trip!
#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
(lines like '> this' are typed -- spelling errors sic)
Lister: > Help. Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a taranshula.
Cat:    You're playing that dumb adventure game!
Lister: > It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest.
Cat:    Well, buy a potion from Gandalf the Master Wizard -- that's what I
        usually do.
Lister: > I'm SERIOUS.
Cat:    (looks down, sees it, then begins typing too)
        > It has an eye the size of a meatball.
Lister: > Kill it.
Cat:    > How?
Lister: > I can't think straight. I've got a taranshula with an eye the size
        of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help me.
Cat:    > I'm scared
Lister: > YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel?
Cat:    > You haven't SEEN it!
Lister: > The lower half of my body has gone numb.
Cat:    > That's probably for the best.
Lister: > It's moving. Oh *$%^**!!!!
Hand:   > Hello. Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow.
#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
Kryten: Sir, a couple of brief points: firstly, you're not a qualified
        service engineer, and, consequently, sawing me in two will
        invalidate my guarantee; secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open
        a can of sardines that was already open.
#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
Rimmer: Look, I don't know who you are or what you think you're doing, but
        I demand my right to a phone call.  Yes, I thought that would stop
        you.  I thought the threat of legal action would have you running
        for cover.
 ... [later, he is tied to a stake]
Rimmer: Is this the British embassy?  Does it even look the remotest bit
        like the British embassy?  I want to know who you are, what I'm
        doing here and I want to know now.
Priest: In accordance with the appetites of The Dark One, volitious ruler of
        this domain, we, the holy legions, proffer up this sacrifice to
        slake the vile, depraved thirstings of The Unspeakable One.
Rimmer: Well, that's cleared that up.
[the legions leave, and two women arrive]
        Thank God. Thank God. There were some very very strange men running
        around in black hoods with drums and rather unconvincing red eyes,
        but thank God you're here.  You know, I actually thought I was in
        the most awful danger? [the women rip off his robes] Is it me, or
        has it suddenly got rather hot in here?
 ... [later, the women are oiling him]
Rimmer: I am a 2nd Technician in the Space Corps, I am briefed to give you
        my name and number and nothing more.  I don't know who you people
        are or what you think you're playing at, but I'm not going to give
        you anything else.  You can oil me all you like, you can use your
        tongues and your full sensual lips to caress my erogenous zones onto
        a plateau of sexual ecstasy, but I'll tell you now: this nut's not
        for cracking.
[the women oil his nipples]
        However, far be it from me to change your game plan, if you
        absolutely insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious
        ends, then so be it -- just have a large quatro-formaggio pizza with
        extra olives ready at the end.
[the women begin to go up to a small balcony]
        Er, where are you going?  What are you doing?  My god, are you going
        to take a flying leap?
Woman1: We are going to summon the master.
Rimmer: The master?
Woman2: You have been prepared for him.
Rimmer: This master character -- and I acknowledge I may not want to know
        the full answer to this one -- but why does he want me oiling
        particulary? Obviously whatever he has in mind is facilitated by my
        being slippery and pliant, yes?
Woman1: He always likes his victims to be oiled.  An oiled body is so much
        better for conducting the electricity.
Rimmer: Not the best news, but it could have been worse.
#5_3
From 'Terrorform':
Lister: Is it me, or are those frogs saying 'useless'?
Frogs:  Useless, useless, Rimmer, you're useless.
Cat:    Hey, look at this! You've got a huge great blood-sucking leech
        on your neck. (rips it off) It's got a human face!
Lister: It's Rimmer's mum!
#5_4
From 'Quarantine':
Mr Flibble: Game over, boys!
#5_4
From 'Quarantine':
Kryten: Frankenstein was the creator -- not the monster.  It's a common
        misconception, held by all truly stupid people.
#5_4
From 'Quarantine':
Lister: Why do we never meet anyone nice?
Cat:    Why is it we never meet anyone who can shoot straight?
#5_4
From 'Quarantine':
Rimmer: So let me get this straight.  You want to fly on a magic carpet
        to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your
        freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?
#5_5
From 'Demons and Angels':
Lister: You guys have got to be yanking my chain!
#5_5
From 'Demons and Angels':
Holly:  Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my
        voice-recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my
        database! Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil! Repeat: This is
        not a daffodil!
Rimmer: Well, thankfully, Holly's unaffected.
#5_5
From 'Demons and Angels':
Holly: The phrase 'cargo bay doors' does not appear to be in my lexicon.
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
Cat:    Don't fish swim south for the winter?
Kryten: That's birds, sir.
Cat:    Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe?
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
Lister: Why would a haddock kill itself?  Why am I even asking that question?
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
Cat: Hang five, guys -- I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he
     committed suicide, he committed suicide, and the fish committed suicide.
     There's some kind of link here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
Kryten: Some kind of sea creature -- a life form we have never encountered
        before -- attacked this ship.  Its defence mechanism is a curious
        one.  It secretes a venom -- a poison, possibly even an
        hallucinogenic -- which disfunctions its prey by inducing despair.
        Now, that's why the crewmembers, and even that fish, had committed
        suicide.  Unfortunately, we have been contaminated.  It's a greatly
        reduced dose but we may find that we do experience (bursts into
        tears) moments of despair and anguish.
Rimmer: (talking to them over the radio)  What about Lister and the Cat?
Lister: I'm OK.  I don't seem to be affected.  It's true, I don't think
        anyone has ever truly loved me in my entire life.  There's nothing
        new about that.
Cat:    What is it with you guys? This has gotten like Saturday Night at the
        Wailing Wall. Why is it always me that has to be the strong one?
        (crying) I mean, you guys just fall apart.
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
Kryten: Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I
        am around because, almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind
        of guy who's going to take any crap from whoever you are.  So,
        before you start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind
        of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or if I'm kind of guy
        who gets all uptight being ordered around by whatever the kind of
        guy you are, CLEAR?
 ...
Kryten: "Jake Bullet: Cybernautic Detective."  I like that!  That sounds
        like the kind of hard-living flatfoot who gets the job done by
        cutting corners and bucking authority, and if those penpushers up
        at City Hall don't like it, well, they can park their overpaid fat
        asses on this mid digit and swivel -- swivel 'til they squeal like
        pigs on a honeymoon!"
Rimmer: On the other hand 'Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernautics division
        is in charge of traffic control, and you just happen to have a
        rather silly macho name.
 ...
Kryten: (holding out his badge) Bullet. Cybernautics.
Cop:    That's traffic control.
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
Rimmer: Billy Doyle.  Well, that's a name that comes from the wrong side
        of the the tracks, isn't it?  You can see it all now: a youth spent
        in and out of corrective institutions; a string of illegitimate
        children; the wife will be all white shoes, no tights and blotchy
        legs; has to take up petty crime to cover the court orders for
        maintenance; before he knows it, he's standing in a bank with a
        sawn-off shotgun; somehow, it goes off; an old lady gets both
        barrels through a crocheted bobble hat; all he can do is hide, but
        where?; and then it hits him -- with his ill-gotten gains he can buy
        four years in a computer game and wait until the heat is off. And so
        ends the Ballad of Billy 'Granny-Killer' Doyle.
Lister: It's yours.
Rimmer: What?!
Lister: It's yours, 'Bill'.
Rimmer: No.
Lister: Check the ugly mug on the ID then, man.
Rimmer: 'William Doyle'... 'William Doyle'! Good old Bill Doyle.  That
        sounds like a hell of a good name to me -- probably connected to the
        Boston Doyles, old money, blue-chip stock...  You know, I think it's
        all starting to come back to me now.
Lister: What puzzles me slightly is what a man of such undoubted good
        breeding would be doing wearing a coat that smells like an elderly
        male yak has taken a leak in both the pockets.
Rimmer: Well, isn't it obvious?
Kryten: No, it isn't.
Rimmer: OH MY GOD. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine.
#5_6
From 'Back to Reality':
Rimmer: This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a
        murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. I'm a
        piece of flotsam, jetsam human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a
        yak latrine, and now my best flashing mac is about to be splattered
        with an android's brain. I'm after you with the gun.
#alt.tv.red-dwarf
NOT from RD but from alt.tv.red-dwarf:
   Is it just me, or does everyone whistle the theme song when reading this
   newsgroup?

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